(inspired by Jeff Brown in Ascending with both feet on the ground)
I apologize for my inability to distinguish relationship from war.
Like a warrior in enemy territory,
I would sneak in and out of your life in the night,
Plundering and selfishly taking what I needed.
I apologize for not seeing you,
For my inability to a conscious relationship.
My eyes blinded by my emptiness and fear,
I was distracted by physical beauty and pleasure.
With my lens blurred by unhealed emotions,
I was unable to see you in your wholeness.
I know that below my pain was a heart
That genuinely longed to merge with yours.
I apologize for a sexuality, reducing you to an object.
I know you longed for real intimacy, a merging of our souls in a higher way.
But there were too many defences around my heart,
And no bridge could form between our souls.
Like two different species in the same bed, we were compelled by circumstances
To inhabit roles that kept us miles apart.
You were denied the right to your own expression,
And I, access to a tender, receptive heart.
There were moments your loving ways freed me from my costume,
But I had no knowing in which to stand.
I was too attached to my needs, afraid of this unknown terrain.
For I know that the path you longed for was divine.
I saw you as dangerous, I began to taste a way of surrender.
Your faith in my goodness kept me going through many a battle,
And restored my faith in life when I needed it most.
You were the light at the end of a dark tunnel, and I am blessed.
I recognize now that there is a meaningful difference
Between a love-ship and a relationship.
Love alone is not enough, a friendship of recognition,
I want to be your best friend.
I recognize the courage it took for you, such I did not have,
To keep your heart open in the midst of my resistance.
You had every right to seek an authentic relationship,
Your very presence invites my Godself out of hiding.
I can linger in the heart-space a little longer now,
I am softening in places.
The road to transformation is a bridge between us,
One that celebrates differences with respect and kindness.
I didn’t always see how much stress you carried,
How hard it was to hold it all together.
I’m sorry that I expected you to fill my emptiness,
When the only one who can fill it … is me.
I didn’t realize that I had the tools for my own self-creation.
But I am recognizing it now.
Where before, we met as two fragmented beings,
Now as whole beings, integrated and complete.
No one got off easy, despite appearances.
We trip, and then we get back up with greater awareness.
The time has come to construct a new bridge, each step we take,
With benevolent intentions and authentic self-revealing.