The Letter Never Sent

I release all blame or resentment toward you. I wish to get a fresh start and grow together with you in a most loving friendship. You deserve it, as do I. I wish no ill thoughts or feelings between us. So I will refuse each one as it comes to me, knowing who we are in truth. 

I still have unconscious moments where I am hurt or angry at you. I know this is ridiculous, but it feels quite real to ego. It bothers me that you did not feel about me the way I felt about you. I desired you and enjoyed you sexually. I think you only did it out of obligation. When the obligation was removed the sex was too. Sexual intimacy, it seems like you are willing to face every fear but this one. I forgive you for not being who I wanted you to be. I now know that you are a thousand times better than who I wanted you to be. But, you could only be who you are, just as I cannot go beyond who I am. At the same time I am thankful:

  • At 24 you left friends and family to marry and live with me.
  • You went years of giving yourself to my pleasure, while going through hell with your health. 
  • You gave me the primary bedroom and you took the garage. 
  • You played ‘the bad guy’ so that I could be free. I would not want to trade places.

When you made the announcement to me I felt shocked. You clarified by saying you would understand if I wanted to start a relationship with someone else, or have a mistress to take care of my sexual needs. It makes me feel like I am of little value to you. You have been very kind to stay with me, but it feels like you can take me or leave me. And with the limits placed upon our relationship (friends only, no physical contact) it feels like your love for me has limits, ‘this far and no more.’ Part of me is very sad in losing my wife. But I see also that this has been an open door to awaken me to who I truly am. I am being called to a bigger life. You are in my life not to satisfy my longing for affection, but to set me free from thinking I need it

Our relationship was not very healthy. I apologize for plundering and selfishly taking. I apologize for not seeing you. I apologize for a sexuality that was objectifying and disconnected from the heart. I was addicted to sex. I used you to get my need met. And it really didn’t meet any need. I couldn’t enjoy it knowing you could not. I see how my yearning for affection only drove you further away. So I welcome this time of healing

I am starting to realize that I was in love with a fantasy of you, who I wanted you to be, rather than you yourself. I put you on a pedestal and worshiped you. I am now beginning to see some of your perfect imperfections: hair in the sink, opinionated bossiness, cold distance, self-sufficient independence … 

I am discovering my worth and how I erroneously believed I deserved crumbs. I am worth no less than any other. My worth is inherent in who I am. It cannot be exaggerated, nor can it be diminished. I might not always feel worthy of love, but I know I am

I once believed our relationship was to fulfill a need in me. But I now know it is not to make me whole, but to make me conscious of who I am. I am no longer a child in need of you. I don’t NEED your presence or approval to make me of value. I can now stand on my own two feet. I can take care of my own needs. I am going to begin loving myself more, much-much more; putting my wants and needs first before anyone else; it is my right to do so. This is better-than-sex.