The 10 golden rules to letting go, by Matt Kahn (a summary by Pat Evert)
It’s a time of transformation, where the dissolving of relationships or roles makes room for new experiences to be birthed. You may not know where you’ll be headed, but trust me when I tell you: it can only get better from here. It might seem scary, but nothing can stop you from taking the leap. It’s time to let go, and leap … a new world brimming with the joy of emotional freedom that only letting go can provide. The 10 Golden Rules are here to guide you into a new dimension of human existence.
GOLDEN RULE #1 YOU’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG
How does it feel to contemplate you’ve done nothing wrong? The Universe doesn’t require you to apologize for a past that played out exactly as it was meant to be. Can you begin to accept how everything you needed to say and do to become who you are now is the exact circumstance others required to be who they are today?
In order to realize the truth of “You did nothing wrong,” we need to use self-compassion to shift out of regret and into rejoicing. How many times have you felt that if someone else in your life doesn’t agree with you, you’re wrong? I can rejoice in my learning and grow without blaming myself. You might not have done anything wrong, but neither has anyone else. Whether due to betrayal, neglect, or abuse, it is not wrong to feel exactly the way you do. You can think of the word forgiving to mean “thank you for giving me the opportunity to act from a greater level of awareness than the unconsciousness that hurt me.” I had been chosen by the Universe to play the role of the victim, just as each of them had been cast in the role of the victimizer. I was merely playing a character they wronged for the chance to give the gift of consciousness. When seeing myself from this perspective, how I had the opportunity to give the greatest gift of healing to those who inflicted the most pain onto me. I rejoiced in my willingness to be bigger than the pain I felt by giving to another exactly what they needed to grow. It sometimes requires steadfast commitment in battling with the past to create enough pressure for truths of a higher level to blossom within you. If self-compassion is the attribute cultivated in Golden Rule #1, then forgiveness is a willingness to show equal compassion to all hearts.
YOUR MANTRA FOR RULE #1
In order to be who I was born to become, life couldn’t have happened any other way.
All too often, instead of judging others, we just turn judgment onto ourselves. It can actually be very painful. This is why you need great compassion, love, and heart-centered kindness. In the process of doing deep spiritual work, you can harm yourself just as much as someone else can. I would like to absolve you of that. In order to grow out of the ego’s swirl of regret and graduate into the vibration of rejoicing, it is essential to cultivate self-compassion in response to any particular outcome. This means things will happen just so you can say to yourself, “I’ve done nothing wrong.”
Think of all of the things in your life that you think you did wrong. Could it be possible that the things you think you’ve done wrong were actually exactly right for your highest evolution? When loving yourself through each unexpected loss or hardship replaces the need to dissect yourself under a spiritual microscope.
GOLDEN RULE #2 ANYONE WHO BLAMES YOU ISN’T HAPPY
On a soul level, if someone’s ego is treating you unfairly, it’s a way of saying, “I’m terribly unhappy, and my conduct is to show you how unhappy I am.” In unconsciousness, you’re the reason for someone’s happiness or unhappiness. Even if you blame yourself, it’s just your soul’s way of reminding you how unhappy you are. Equally so, when you’re emotionally free, other peoples’ experiences don’t tend to affect you. Other people only affect me to show me how unhappy I truly am. Happiness is not something I have to work hard to achieve. It is simply the blame-free zone of heart-centered consciousness.
While we all know, on some level, that happiness comes from within, the confession of not knowing how to be happy simply helps you acknowledge that you rely on outside circumstances, characters, and outcomes as the main source of your fulfillment. The moment you blame, you’ve turned away from the vibration of happiness. So, what if you simply dared to not blame them. I cannot make you happy in any way. I can only help you remind yourself how unhappy you already are.” It is the cultivation of forgiveness that allows you to recognize, feel, and demonstrate the happiness that is always within you. It is a way of refusing to store someone else’s unhappiness in your cellular body as memories of mistreatment. The act of forgiving helps not only to free others from the unhappiness causing them to withdraw, shut down, or lash out but also to free you from walking this earth as anyone’s victim. Conflict is when two people say to each other, “Here’s how I need you to be.” Resolution is when one of those two people says, “I may not be able to give you what you want, and you certainly may not be the one for me, but I don’t blame you for your unhappiness. I allow you to be exactly as you are.”
YOUR MANTRA FOR RULE #2
I allow those who blame and have wronged me to be forgiven. In forgiving others, I am set free.
You just have to permit forgiveness. The people who need forgiveness the most are the people who treat you the worst, because they’re the most entrenched in their egos. When you become aware of how unhappy so many people are, you cultivate more happiness for all by being more forgiving. The more forgiving you become, the happier you’ll be. The happier you are, the more aligned you are with your soul. The more aligned with your soul, the more you see reflections of your own light in others, since the brightness of your divinity could only bring forward the brightness of those around you.
GOLDEN RULE #3 HARDSHIPS CAN BE FAST-TRACKED THROUGH THANKFULNESS
What if I received even an insult as a gift sent from their divinity, even if gift wrapped by the projections of their ego? As I became aligned in the vibration of gratitude, I began to notice how the pattern of bullying or confrontation had disappeared from my life. I just came to see how good it felt to receive everything as a gift. Adversity is how you perceive and relate to change or loss. Change and loss are some of the deepest ways in which life evolves you out of ego and into alignment with your soul. As you experience the nature of change and loss from the soul’s sense of excitement, instead of the ego’s perception of judgment, you are able to let go with authenticity and ease.
YOUR MANTRA FOR RULE #3
Thank you for this gift.
Something is only here to positively move you forward in evolution—no matter the circumstances in view. If even one single detail about my past were to be altered, I would never have become exactly who I am today. Therefore, my gratefulness came from a place of pure self-acceptance, which created absolutely no space for anger, frustration, regret.
EXERCISE: Cultivating the Opposite
Think of a person in your life who either hurt you the most or is the hardest to forgive. What is the opposite adjective to how they made you feel? If it was abandonment, the opposite of abandonment is inclusion. Every negative experience that someone seemed to bring upon you serves to help you cultivate the opposite adjective on a vibrational level. Through betrayal, we actually learn to trust ourselves deeper. It’s an opportunity.
Thank you for this gift. I may not have liked the gift when I initially opened the package. But there is no doubt it’s only destined to make me better than I’ve ever been before.
If there’s something in your life that doesn’t feel like a gift, just sit with this wisdom until it feels authentic. If you can at least say thank you to some of the worst things that have ever happened to you, on a vibrational level, you will feel something deep inside of you shift.
Being free means you might get hurt, but you will not hurt others as an excuse for being hurt. Being free means you are here to break cycles of abuse by saying thank you to any perceivable hurt. “If I don’t hurt the people who hurt me, what do I do?” To which the soul replies, “Say thank you.” Our role as lightworkers invites you to thank each and every person for the gifts they provide.
GOLDEN RULE #4 FEELING BETTER HELPS EVERYONE HEAL
I feel so good about where each person is going that it soothes their nervous system into peacefully letting go. Having visited heaven when I was eight, I know firsthand the transcendent glory awaiting every heart at the end of their journey. In the presence of others’ unhappiness, don’t dim your light in any way. Shining less helps no one transform. No hard work is required. Just a steadfast willingness to remain open, even when every heart around you has found ample proof to justify shutting down.
YOUR MANTRA FOR RULE #4
My happiness is a service to all.
The secret is learning to enjoy being around people, even when they don’t enjoy being around themselves.
EXERCISE: Daring to Admire – “I admire the qualities they are helping me cultivate by being around such a difficult person.” Feeling bad for other people doesn’t help anyone feel better. But, daring to feel good about the uniqueness and innocence of others helps those who feel bad to accelerate their healing.
GOLDEN RULE #5 WELL-BEING IS A SIGNAL THAT YOU ARE READY TO EMBODY YOUR POTENTIAL
The indisputable calling of inner exploration was answered by one burning lifelong desire—to know and be one with God. The more often you recognize the presence of well-being within you, you are saying to the Universe, “I am aware of what is already right, perfect, and whole inside of me.” The breath is the living evidence of well-being. The two most important factors are self-love and alignment with breath. In the new spiritual paradigm, you love yourself enough to be worthy of receiving your breath, while becoming one with your breath to deepen your worthiness to give and receive love.
YOUR MANTRA FOR RULE #5
My breath is the living presence of well-being. The more mindfully I breathe, the more alive I feel.
GOLDEN RULE #6 THE UNIVERSE ALWAYS HAS A PLAN
It is a plan you are always fulfilling—no matter the choices made along the way. It is through the gift of time that you are able to measure how much or how little ego remains by how often disharmony arises in your experience. You may ask yourself: How easily can I be frustrated? How impatient can I be? You aren’t sad because you are an unhappy person. You are experiencing sadness as part of your healing journey, to create space for more light to be embodied. You will receive everything you desire at exactly the moment in time it is meant to arrive. The soul already knows everything is okay, whether you have what you want or not. Wanting is a sneak preview of what’s coming your way. The Universe holds loving space for the ego to let go, knowing getting what you want never changes how you feel. What if the plan the Universe has for you is so extraordinary, so miraculous, so unthinkably precise, that it is beyond your ability to visualize it in any way, shape, or form?
EXERCISE: Letting Go of Attachment. Write down all the things you want to attract. If these things don’t immediately manifest, what are the gifts of not getting what I want?
YOUR MANTRA FOR RULE #6
The Universe always has a plan—no matter how anything seems to be.
Once aligned with the soul, there’s only one plan. Even when unexpected things happen—you always get your way. Yes, destiny shall always unfold, but your choices are determining how direct or circuitous of a path it takes to get from point A to B.
GOLDEN RULE #7 EVERYTHING CHANGES, BUT IT CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU FOR THE BETTER
In marriage our relationship ended, then we came back together, hoping we had healed whatever was causing our romance to erode and dissolve. After coming back together three times, the mystery of our dance was solved. We stayed the course, remained true to the process, and out of this journey birthed a soulful friendship that no desire for romance could deny. I thought it was the love I had been waiting for, and it turned out to be an even better dose of healing I didn’t know I needed. Of course, there were incredible levels of pain, loss, and grief. These came and went like waves of helplessness that would horrifically crash upon my heart, breaking me open wider each and every time. The end of my marriage was devastating and humbling. Ultimately, it was liberating. My heart has never felt so pure with the utmost pride and respect for the man I am now. This was our journey of emotional freedom.
If your happiness is defined by outside things, then your happiness is like an emotional stock portfolio governed by the movement of your personal markets. Reality may not change your circumstances into better circumstances, but it’s always guaranteed to change you into a better version of yourself. This is evolution’s timeless guarantee. It will only make you better because that is life’s only option. You can’t go backward. All you need is to be willing to stay the course by letting go and loving yourself throughout each twist and turn. In order to become a willing participant, you have to know what it means to be an unwilling participant. An unwilling participant is one who is attempting to avoid the gravity of surrender, who is negotiating with life instead of opening to it.
YOUR MANTRA FOR RULE #7
I can see how everything changes me for the better whenever I am still.
The question is—are you willing to fully participate in life’s plan for you? When you are living from the light of your soul, inconvenience can be unexpected, but it’s more hilarious than it is harmful. What is it like in this moment to not blame yourself for anything? You’re able to weather the storm, to accept when there are unexpected changes between your personal plan and the unique journey life has in store for you. While sudden loss, unexpected change, or even a surprising turn of events doesn’t have to be seen as joyful, you will be able to see how true, long-lasting happiness doesn’t have to be disrupted when unexpected changes occur. From this perspective, you cultivate an inner radiance to serve those still finding their way out of the despair of blame, scarcity, and victimhood.
GOLDEN RULE #8 IN ORDER TO BE EMOTIONALLY FREE, IT’S OKAY TO DISLIKE
I may have experienced the deepest transformation of a lifetime as a result of my marriage, but it doesn’t change how earth-shatteringly painful it was navigating the terrain of a heart broken wide open. Your human reality transforms into a vivid spiritual adventure as you embrace the wisdom of an ever-loving Universe. This is what it means to be embodied, integrated, and emotionally free. These are the gifts received when learning to let go. The Universe always has a plan, how everything changes, but it can only change you for the better. Now let’s add on to that an insightful reminder: you don’t have to like it. It’s okay to dislike. It is designed to help you grow. It’s not asking to be liked. You are not here to be perfect. You’re here to embrace how perfect you already are. Don’t try to like what you already dislike. Give yourself the right to dislike whatever bothers you. The first step is to feel as deeply and openly as possible. In order to do so, it’s okay to dislike.
Exercise: permission to dislike. To actually be yourself, by reserving the right to just be honest. It’s such a clarifying moment of relief when shifting into the authenticity of the soul where it’s okay to dislike.
Maybe the greatest thing you can do with dislike is to not only be discerning and clear in what you resonate with, but to love, adore, and heal the most damaged, hurtful parts of yourself. It just wants the right to think and act differently just to see for itself that no punishment will be handed down.
YOUR MANTRA FOR RULE #8
Simply repeat this mantra to your heart for 1 to 3 minutes at a time. How does it feel? Sometimes you may try to like everything across the board because you don’t like how it feels to dislike. And yet if you are outraged enough by the actions in view, you’ll be inspired to do something that will bring greater resolve into the lives of others by serving the role the Universe has designed. In order to be the most loving, passion-driven person you were born to be, it’s okay to dislike. The nature of dislike doesn’t take us out of spiritual alignment. It’s often the most potent way to place you on your highest path that can heal your deepest wounds and positively affects others—when letting courage take the lead.
GOLDEN RULE #9 PROJECTING ANGER DRAINS YOU OF ENERGY
My parent’s perceived anger was their frustration with themselves, not knowing how to access the options and choices that were already living within their hearts. Watching them decline in health and hold space for their surrendering of control was like a telepathic form of forgiveness from both their hearts. How do you deal with the emotional density that manifests as anger in the most conscious way, so as not to be drained of energy or do harm unto others? By your creativity. Perhaps a spiritual journey is how the victim transforms into a hero, making sense of their own individual journey by giving rise to the expansion of their own inner artist. The inner artist is the narrator of one’s transition from victimhood to hero or from ego to soul. The more aligned with creative expression you tend to be, the less angry you’ll be or even drained by the anger of others. If there’s anger within you, any form of creative expression will transfer it from your emotional body and return it back to Source.
YOUR MANTRA FOR RULE #9
I am only as angry as I’m in need of creatively expressing myself.
GOLDEN RULE #10 LOVE IS YOUR LIBERATOR
Love is your liberator and not other people are your liberators. When love is your liberator, it is only the love that you cultivate within your own heart that sets you free from any pain created by the conduct of others. The question is: Do I continue playing out the character who’s been hurt, or do I love the hurt within me as the love that liberates all? Anger will never stop being angry. Hurt will never stop hurting. It’s just waiting to be loved. We’re not here to change the viewpoint of our experiences; we’re here to love the experiences arising within us. The ego is trying to negotiate into a different experience. The ego asks, “Why do I feel so sad?” And the soul says, “Sadness is here to be loved.” Through the art of letting go, you are liberated out of the pitfalls of victimhood, out of the agony of ego, and into the maturity of a fully integrated soul.
Your mantra for rule #10
I love you.
We are here to allow loving ourselves to be a more familiar experience. The more we introduce unconditional love to ourselves, the more trusting of life we become. No matter what comes and goes, it could only be the next part of ourselves to be loved, held, and adored, deeper than ever before, because love is your liberator.