The Afterlife of Billy Fingers

How he proved to me there’s life after death, by Annie Kagan  (a summary by Pat Evert)

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Forward

The walkers between the worlds had important social functions. they were mediators, intermediaries, or messengers between the realm of the living and the realm of the dead. The experiences Dr. Kagan relates are completely consistent with the kind of role walkers between the worlds played in antiquity. I suspect such encounters have been with us for thousands of years and no doubt occur to quite a few individuals. – Dr. Raymond Moody

Part One: Still Billy

• The First Thing that Happens

This is a true story. The Miami Dade Police left a message on my answering machine. “If you know William Cohen, please contact Sergeant Diaz at 305 . . . ” It still made me queasy to think about the time my brother was arrested almost thirty years ago; the thud of the gavel, the words “twenty-five years to life.” They dragged him off to Sing Sing for selling cocaine. “He was hit by a car at two-thirty this morning. I’m sorry. Your brother is dead.” By the time my sixty-two-year-old brother died, he was homeless, so everything he owned was in his pockets. Oh God, Billy is dead! My body ached so much I felt like I was the one who’d been run over. I got into bed with my clothes still on and pulled the covers over my head. The week before he died, no matter how cold-hearted I tried to be, I couldn’t stop thinking about Billy. The next few days I stayed in bed, unable to do anything but cry and drink tea. I felt like a voodoo doll with pins stuck in me everywhere. The rest of the time I was swallowing Valium until I was a walking zombie. I didn’t look forty-something anymore, I looked a hundred—and that was okay with me. 

Three weeks of post-death misery and self-recrimination later, it was my birthday. Just before sunrise, as I was waking up, I heard someone calling my name from above me.

Annie! Annie! It’s me! It’s me! It’s Billy! You’re not dreaming. It’s me! Get up and get the red notebook. It’s really me, Annie. And I’m okay. I grabbed a pen and wrote what he was saying in the red notebook. The first thing that happens is bliss; at least it was like that in my case. As the car hit me, this energy came and sucked me right out of my body into a higher realm. I say “higher” since I had the feeling of rising up and suddenly all my pain was gone. I knew right away I was dead, and went with it. I just felt light and unburdened as the sucking motion drew me up inside a chamber of thick silvery blue lights. In the first nanosecond that the lights touched me, they erased any harm I suffered during my lifetime: physical, mental, emotional, or otherwise. that chamber was some kind of cosmic birthing canal that delivered me into this new life. I felt a Divine Presence. I’m guessing that floating out here in space is euphoric instead of terrifying because I’m being attended to by this celestial crew. It’s like there’s a hole in the sky, a hole between our two worlds, I can look through and see you. I know how sad you are about my death. But death isn’t as serious as you think it is, honey. So far, it’s very enjoyable. Couldn’t be better, really. Try not to take death too seriously. Try not to take life too seriously. You’d enjoy yourself a lot more. 

I was sitting on my bed, the red notebook resting against my knees. Had I just imagined his voice? Maybe. But where did these words come from? They definitely weren’t mine. For the first time since Billy’s death I felt happy . . . more than happy. Billy was okay. 

• Still Billy

From the beginning, my life seemed charmed compared to his, and he held that against me. Billy was a “problem child”—and I was a “little angel.” I sang and danced in school plays— he tried to sing in a band but couldn’t carry a tune. Billy flunked out of high school—I was a straight-A student. The better I did, the worse he looked, and felt.

Hey, Princess. Good morning… I was done with my life, Annie. I paid my debt, although it’s not what we usually think of as payment. It wasn’t some price for my so-called sins. It was more a learning thing. Pain is just part of the human experience. Pain is part of the earth deal, so don’t be overly concerned about it. And how do I know all this? Honestly, I don’t know. All of a sudden I know a bunch of things I didn’t know when I was alive. When you’re born, when you pop out, that big pop gives you a kind of amnesia. One of the main things we’re doing when we’re alive is trying to remember the things we forgot. And do something for me, Miss Greta Garbo. Give Tex a coin.

Was this really happening? Why was I able to hear my dead brother speaking to me? Had I just gone through some kind of out-of-body experience? Only this voice wasn’t inside my head—it was outside, and it sounded as if I was standing at the bottom of a long staircase and he was at the top. Both times I’d heard him, he was above me and to the right. Everything in my life had recently fallen apart. My husband, Steve, suddenly seemed like a stranger, working with patients gave me migraine headaches, and I hadn’t sold a single song. The only thing I was sure I wanted was solitude. Hence, Billy’s nickname for me: Greta Garbo. So, feeling as if I was jumping off a cliff, I separated from my husband, sold my practice, left the city, and moved to an old house on the tip of Long Island. But why had Billy told me to give her a coin? Just then, I heard Billy’s voice. Find . . . my . . . car. That shook me up. “Billy had an old Mercedes he was living out of,” Steve reported. “But he drove it into a tree a week before his death. It’s probably in some junkyard in Florida.” I found a business card from his belongings. I called Hans, the Mercedes dealer whose name was on the business card I now had in hand. I almost fell down when he told me that he did have my brother’s wreck! Either I had suddenly become psychic or Billy actually was communicating with me. When I asked Hans to send Billy’s things, he said he’d do it right away. 

• The Divine Nature of All Things

I’m deep into the bliss experience, but I definitely haven’t disappeared. What is bliss? Bliss is like being in love multiplied by a thousand, but it has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s fulfilling in and of itself. On earth you usually need someone to give you a reason to feel love, and that feeling usually has its ups and downs. With bliss, there’s no downside—and you don’t need a reason for it. There’s a lot of freedom going on here that you don’t have where you are. Earth, the conditions there, traps you in limitation. For me, there seems to be no limitation, only potential. That’s because God, or Spirit, or whatever you choose to call it, is undeniable where I am. The light here makes visible what is invisible on earth: the divine nature of all things. You have a soul. And that’s what the spiritual search is about. The Eastern concept of Maya, or illusion, means our lives are temporary.

The next Wednesday night, writing group night, I read out of my red notebook what  had dictated to me. My book writing group suggested that I write a book with my dead brother. 

• They Can’t Take that Away from Me

Two weeks after I read his messages in class, it was Billy’s birthday. I’ve become an airy-fairy weirdo who needs permission from her dead drug addict brother. I’d better get my feet back on the ground. Billy probably isn’t even real. Then, I heard Billy—singing. 

No, No, they can’t take that away from me . . . Don’t worry, Princess. Even though I left the earth, you haven’t lost me, have you? I’m kind of your guardian now. I don’t blame you for having doubts about all this. But if I’m not real, how come my singing makes you feel so much better? Especially since I still sing out of tune [laughs]. It’s an energy I bring you. It’s love. You’re calling on me because it’s my birthday, but I’m in deep learning and it’s hard to talk even though you want me to. Turn to nature to pardon some of the difficulty you have to bear. Nature has more light than anything else on your planet.

I felt as if I’d just showered in a waterfall of pure energy. Instead of feeling the light inside me, I was now inside the light. I remained in that state of bliss for hours. My brother, my crazy, unpredictable, charming big brother, was telling me the secrets of the cosmos. It was the most unexpected thing that had ever happened to me.

• Ain’t No Sunshine without the Sun

A few days later Billy’s soothing voice came through the ceiling. I grabbed the red notebook. 

What an angel that driver was! What a saint! To go through all that to deliver me! I needed to be delivered, darling. I wish you could find that guy and give him a kiss for me. Head through the windshield. Dealing drugs. Jail for a few years. Nothing you would be interested in, but it was interesting to me. How far out on the edge could I go before I would fall off? I was the bad-boy-saint. I was, a pure-hearted spirit burning up in the fire of life, an undercover agent from the angel squad, a dark messenger of light. How could I be so beautiful and so terrible at the same time? The truth is, I don’t know! And when you go to your writing class tonight, Annie, give J.B. a message. “There ain’t no sunshine without the sun.”

A personal message to the most skeptical person in the group. I wasn’t going to do it, but when the moment came I did. Then it was J.B.’s turn to read. He was writing an autobiographical novel based on his time in France. Quite unexpectedly, while reading, J.B. choked up and began to cry as he described an event none of us knew about—his young son had been hit by a car and killed. Then it hit me. It isn’t S-u-n, it was s-o-n! There ain’t no sunshine without the son! 

• Hologram

It was nearly a month later, in early April, before Billy showed up again. 

Good morning. I didn’t abandon you, Annie. I hate to tell you this, but you’re not the only thing on my schedule, Princess. The Divine forces aren’t punishing you for writing about what happens after you die. I told you, there’s no such thing as that kind of punishment. Don’t stop writing our book. When we’re alive, there’s something inside us, a sort of cosmic computer chip, that records everything we go through. Right now, I’m watching my whole life from my birth to my death. I’m looking here, looking there, fast-forwarding, rewinding, zooming in and out. I see the paths I took, and the ones I didn’t. I see where my genius was, and where I might have done better. I don’t feel moralistic or judgmental about any of it, though. It all just seems interesting. Well, guess what? My hologram is expandable. I can live out the life those “what ifs” would have brought me to. I can follow all the different paths I didn’t take when I was alive and see how they would have turned out. What’s surprising, though, is that it doesn’t seem like one way is more valuable than any other. I don’t have a preference. It’s all fascinating, and I have no regrets. I had a great life. It was all great, even the hard parts. Of course, I didn’t see my life that way when I was alive. My new viewpoint takes the difficulty, the struggling feeling, out of it all. They say there’s Judgment Day after you die, but actually the opposite is true. There’s No-Judgment Day. Viewing my life has become surprisingly enjoyable because I have an absolute acceptance of myself and everything I’ve done. Everything looks so much better now than it did then. It’s like I’m on some kind of drug. It’s not like any drug I’ve ever taken, though. It’s very pure and much more wonderful and there are no side effects. Oh, and it’s not illegal [laughs]. I think this so-called drug is really the Divine Presence. there’s no question in my mind that there are Beings in the atmosphere around me: wise, kind, super-evolved Beings whose loving custody I’m now in. And remember, when you think about love, you’re using your human mind. There’s no comparison to the actual over-the-top nature of this love. 

That afternoon, while I was in my kitchen, Billy whispered: Call Tex and say, “Show me the money.” This wasn’t just about my hearing Billy’s voice, which was strange enough. Billy’s conversations with me were one thing, but now Billy was bringing other people into his realm—Tex and J.B. and my writing class. Why?

• Rescue Mission

Five years ago, Bill Cohen got tired of feeling like a taxidriving ex-junkie mascot of his designer wife’s entourage of wealthy friends. Without much planning, he said goodbye to his beautiful wife and their million-dollar co-op on the Upper East Side of Manhattan and ran away to Venezuela to become Billy Fingers. 

Billy’s cryptic messages—Ain’t no sunshine without the son, Show me the money, and now Drink green tea—were the “proof” Billy had promised. These inexplicable incidents were his way of proving to me that he was real.

At that time I was making money, collecting money. In one of the toughest enclaves of Margarita Island, Bill Cohen, a Jewish boy from Brooklyn, got guys to pay up their gambling debts. I was dealing with circumstances I had signed up to explore before I was born. I was living with lovely young Elena. Elena was maybe twenty, and I was—what, almost three times her age. I let myself drink as much as I wanted, let the whites of my eyes turn yellow, let my teeth get rotten. I didn’t care about the conventions anymore, or the future or the consequences. First came the pleasures, then the pestilence. Nausea, anxiety attacks, hair falling out in clumps. And then the best one—the itching. Unbeknownst to me, these scabies were burrowing under my skin. I was so anesthetized from all the drinking it took me a while to feel the itching. Lots of people had strong opinions about your attempts to save my life. The pitiful victim, the codependent—and, my personal favorite, the fool—for trying to save an addict like me. Play your part in the cosmic drama, but never forget, baby, that you choose the way you see yourself. 

• Billy – Dust

I scattered some of Billy’s ashes at sea. 

Thanks for sprinkling some of my ashes in the bay this morning. I feel better. I really do, though, because you did it with so much love. On earth there’s a lot of who’s-better-than-who-type issues and that causes a lot of suffering. It’s a game devised by the forces of Maya, or illusion, to make people unhappy. That’s one of the purposes of illusion: human misery. Memories like getting on that plane from Margarita with my new sidekick Guru Guy, crashing in a motel room in Miami, then waking up from my intoxicated sleep and seeing you standing over me like a Madonna. I had been away such a long time and I was so happy to see my baby sister, caring for me, saving me, getting me ready for the hospital, doing whatever it took to keep me from dying in hell. So now you’re crying at your computer, wondering if I forgive you. Maybe the real question to ask yourself is, do you forgive me? And really, darling, there is no one to forgive, because we signed up to do this dance together before we were born. People knew the workings of the experiment, it would lose some of its punch, and that losing of punch, well, that’s a little bit of what enlightenment is all about.

• Vincent

Before Billy escaped to Margarita, he was a masseur, one of his better gigs. I never met anyone with hands as gifted as Billy’s. Another reason he liked the name Billy Fingers. I went to the mountains to scatter more of Billy’s ashes. There I got a massage from Vincent, whose sister died a few months prior. “She just got sick and died, all of a sudden, like that. She wasn’t even twenty. Thank you so much for sharing your story about Billy. I think that you’re, you’re like some kind of sign from her.”

Part Two: Even the Soul Changes

• Becoming the Universe

I’m alone, but it’s a good alone, not like the alone I felt those last years of my life. After you die, you spend a lot of time, solo time, exploring yourself as a Universe. Do you believe that? You are the Universe. But society teaches you different. Society teaches limitation. Believe me, Annie, everything you ever need is already inside you. And who you really are is far beyond your comprehension. That’s why living squeezed into the human experience can be painful at times. the benevolence of whoever or whatever this was left no room for fear. The Higher Beings seem to be particular attributes of the Divine Presence. This Presence—the limitless light that fills the Universe everywhere—its personality contains every good quality imaginable. Perfect wisdom? Yes. Tender compassion? Of course. All-encompassing love? Definitely. The kindness and understanding from the Higher Beings now comes to me from myself. I love myself as I never could have when I first arrived in the afterlife. I guess that means even the soul changes. When you’re born, when the amnesia happens, you forget your magnificence, and think you have to earn the right to be loved. How can you earn what already belongs to you? The sensation keeps getting better and better. The more I let go of my so-called self, the better I feel. As I blend more and more into the Universal energy, I think, “This is it, I’m going to lose myself.” But it feels so good I don’t care, so I let go and blend. Then, lo and behold, I’m still myself, but more blissed out. Wow, baby sister, and how I love and how good it feels, this love. A surprise is coming. 

Just after my conversation with Billy someone called asking permission for my meditation teacher to use two of my songs on a program to be aired around the world. Years ago, I’d sent my teacher a CD of my songs, but I’d never expected anything to come of it. What a surprise! Billy was right, again. I was filled with questions. How does Billy know what’s going to happen? How far into the future can he see? Can he see my whole life? Can he influence what will happen? Is Billy simply some super-psychic part of myself?

• Two Universes Passing in the Light

I was floating all alone enjoying becoming the Universe, and what happens? Along comes Ingrid, my first wife. The last time I saw her we were both on earth and she was on morphine, dying of cancer. Ingrid was now also becoming the Universe. She was doing this very feminine dance of love, moving her gorgeous starry hips back and forth as she circled around my Universe with hers. Ingrid has always been quite a seductress. Seeing her like that almost tempted me right back into a body again. Almost. As soon as I saw this dancing Universe, I knew right away it was her. Her soul was, without question, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I never even had a vague idea of her Divine magnificence when we were alive. I guess because Ingrid and I are now both Universes, we’re ready to gaze upon each other’s souls. There’s nothing we want or need from each other except to float around and enjoy the light. That’s it. No words, no attachments, no demands, just two Universes passing in the light.

I Googled it and it’s not only Billy who is made of the cosmos. We are all literally made from stars. Becoming the Universe isn’t just a poetic image. It’s grounded in scientific fact.

• I Don’t Know

What’s important now is that I have been delivered to this bliss that is beyond pleasure, beyond joy, beyond anything that can be imagined. My present bliss factor is four hundred million times the potency of the healing chamber I was in right after I died. It’s all inside you already. Every single thing you need. Earth is just a stopover. A kind of game. Make it a star game. If I could give you a gift, it would be to teach you how to stay free inside that game, to find the glory inside yourself, beyond the roles and the drama, so you can dance the dance of the game of life. 

• New Body

I was floating around becoming the Universe when suddenly I was sucked back into a body, a body made of light. Instead of flesh, my new body is made of concentrated light. My rebelliousness has served me well now that I’m here. Now, instead of being a wise guy, I’m a wise man. Wisdom is coming from inside me and shining out in all directions as bliss pours from my heart. I’m in a sky that is very, very blue. On earth, your senses are separated from each other, but this blueness I can hear and smell and taste and touch. So I’m standing under this blue-white sphere and a smiling radiant man comes along. I couldn’t care less about his robe, really, because the radiance of his face is so spectacular. Everything is waving with energy. That’s a good way to describe it. It’s all energy instead of matter. This journey we’re on together can get scary for you sometimes. Having your newly dead brother appear, talk to you, show you his world, and arrange synchronicities in the form of little clues to prove to you he is real—well, it’s disorienting. Don’t worry about what others might think. That’s another important secret of life. Don’t live by what you “think” others think. 

I was stunned. For the first time, I could see flashes of Billy’s world, his shimmering robe, a flicker of Joseph’s blue eyes. And for a millisecond I saw the blue-white sphere, which gave me a fleeting feeling that nothing could ever go wrong again. Best of all, I saw Billy’s radiant face, with a seen-it-all, done-it-all, bad-boy-saint knowingness in his eyes.

• Blue-White Sphere

All beings on earth carry the light from this sphere within them. That’s why spiritual philosophies say that we are one. Where I am, this isn’t just a theory. I see the blue-white light everywhere, in everything—in me, as well as in you. And, just like me, one day you will get a gorgeous new body made of the light from the blue-white sphere. Then, instead of carrying the light inside you, the light will carry you inside it. That will happen when you’re living where I am now, in a realm that has no shadows. I know you’re afraid that things will go wrong. They will. It’s like that on earth. We’re all permitted our pain, but pain is a transitory state. Know that the shadow is illusory and temporary. Bliss, ultimately bliss and light, are the truer and stronger reality. Who but you could I tell these secrets to, my darling? Who but you could share my journey through the worlds beyond? And who but you could help me write this book? 

“I’m sorry, Billy,” I said, “but I can’t do this. I don’t want to write this book with you. It scares me. I don’t know why, but whenever I think of your book being published I feel terrified.

• Quantum

A little more than a week later, Billy appeared in the sky again, this time doing an impersonation of a bad-boy angel. A sparkly toy halo, like one you’d buy at a party store, sat crooked on his head; he had an exaggerated saintly expression on his face. Every once in a while he’d look at the red notebook in his hands and make faces as if he were reading the most interesting, surprising words ever written. He appeared when other people were around, but I was the only one who could see him. It was our secret.

I know one of the reasons you’re hesitant to share these writings is because you want to protect our relationship from ridicule, and I thank you for that. But darling, there isn’t anything to protect really, is there? All we’re doing is telling the story. Let it be up to each individual to take it or leave it. Everyone on earth is eternal, but they don’t know it. Your mind cannot grasp all of this. It’s something much bigger and more real than your mind. Darling, this is more than a book. I want to help you and others expand your consciousness. Make a quantum leap. What’s a quantum leap? It means that a change in perspective is a powerful thing. It means that the way you see something can actually change that something.  

Now that I could see Billy as well as hear him, it was almost as though he was a friend who lived down the street. 

• Supra World

When Billy visits, I’m enveloped by a higher atmosphere. But unlike my brother, when he’s finished talking, I have to come back to earth, and it isn’t easy. 

Every time the presence of my world gets really strong, you get scared something bad will happen to you. Don’t worry. The light from my world won’t harm you, Princess. There are many worlds, and the afterlife has many forms. Where you go, who you meet, and where you meet them is different for different people. When Daddy died, after he went through the healing chamber, he didn’t find himself floating through the Universe like I did. He made an extra stop on his journey up the cosmic elevator. He landed in a place that more closely resembles people’s ideas about heaven. Let’s call it the Supra World. The Supra World is a very accommodating place. Things there are designed for the comfort of the newly dead soul. One of the things people do in that world is learn to let go of certain fears—fear of death, fear of not having a body, fear of punishment. And in most cases the newly dead have a strong desire for reunion with the people they loved on earth. The Supra World is where that happens. The Supra World is built on the world of human ideas. after you’re dead you’re able to be in more than one place at a time. From my higher realm I can visit all the levels below. Everyone who dies eventually leaves the Supra World and goes on to watch their hologram projected onto the virtually enhanced screen of the Universe. But they won’t watch it through human eyes, through the lens of good and bad, as they saw it on earth. By the time you’re ready to view your life, you’ve left behind a lot of human concepts and you’re looking through divine-colored glasses. It’s different here than it is on earth. No one wants to go someplace other than where they’re going. Some souls go back to your planet to reincarnate and others go to places in the afterworlds to develop more and prepare for the becoming the Universe experience. Sometimes in hardship you’re forced to stand alone, and standing alone prepares you for becoming the Universe. Make your life as interesting as you can. Take chances. Go after your dreams.

• Saga of the Pearl and the Oyster

Now that I believed that other dimensions existed, I’d never be able to think of life or death, myself, the cosmos, or just about anything else the way I used to. 

The world is your oyster. And in the oyster shell you will find many pearls. I know, the irritation doesn’t feel good, but without it there would be no pearl. Your shell helps you tell one grain of sand from the other. You know which one can become a pearl and which one isn’t worth the irritation. The same Intelligence that grows trees from seeds, that lets birds fly, that waves the ocean and gives birth to new stars—that same Intelligence also breathes your breath, beats your heart, and heals your wounds. How can I say that you are the Universe? Because I have become as small as the smallest quantum particle, and as big as the multitude of galaxies that exist in space. I was always like that, really. I just didn’t know it. And so is everyone else. 

I made the three-hour drive to my mother’s apartment in Brooklyn, a trip I’d taken every week since my brother’s death. My eighty-year-old mother hanging on by a thread. “What I want for you, my darling girl. Take the hard things and make them into pearls.” My mother opened her turquoise jewel box and handed me a string of pink baby pearls. “Why wait until I’m not around anymore. Then I’ll never see you wear them.”

• Book of Life

I don’t miss a thing. One of the things I certainly don’t miss is being concerned about the way I look. I just radiate, which is effortless. Since I’m made of light, I don’t have organs or blood or anything like that. No knee problems, no liver problems, no drug problems, no weight problems. Becoming the Universe is sheer ecstasy. We don’t usually think of death as a start, but that’s what it is. Whatever so-called mistakes you’ve made, it doesn’t matter now, because there’s always another chance, another lifetime even, to try something different. Even though Joseph knows so much more than I do, he doesn’t impose rules or give me opinions unless I ask. He doesn’t dominate me in any way, and that’s a beautiful thing. What exactly does Joseph do? The best thing he does is love me unconditionally. To Joseph, everything about me is extraordinary. What an experience! A lot of my life was preparing me for my new job—writing this book with you. It’s hard to help others if you don’t understand their frustrations, their disappointments, their fears, their desires, and their greatness. I did my share of unconventional things, things that were against the law even, my heart and soul were always reaching for something wonderful. And, did I mention that within these pages there’s light? 

• Soul Tribes

Source, in its multitudinous glorious playfulness, the Infinite creates diversity, so there are many soul tribes. Each tribe has its special explorations to undertake on earth. Many elaborate symbols appear throughout my Book of Life. They are written in a language I have never learned, but seem to know intimately. My beloved Joseph and I are from the tribe Lohana, and these symbols are our tribe’s wisdom formulas. What’s surprising is how unconventional these Lohana formulas are. They contain no fixed idea of what is virtuous. These equations go far beyond human labels of “good” and “bad” and focus instead on the quality of one’s light. They also speak to a great mystery. Why would a soul forget its high origins, clothe itself in a body, and leave the Higher Worlds for the more difficult earth? Well, my darling, because the soul loves experience and doesn’t fear suffering. The soul knows it can never be injured. 

I Googled “Lohana.” I was startled to discover that Lohana was the name of an ancient tribe that originated in India. According to legend, these noble warriors were descendants of Lord Rama, a king who lived more than five thousand years ago and is still worshiped by Hindus as one of the many incarnations of God.

• Patty Malone

There are other places than earth—that are real, full of light and love and bliss. And maybe, just maybe some light can come from those places to make life on your planet a little better, a little kinder, a little more musical. I have a visitor with me tonight. Can you see the aura of golden blue light in the corner of the room? He’s Pat, a very strong and noble spirit. Does he remind you of Tex? He should, because he’s her older brother. As you know, Pat was killed when Tex was just a teenager, killed what you would call tragically, in a plane crash, on his way home for a Thanksgiving visit. Please write this down. 
Dear Tex, Just because you’re exhausted from your mom’s illness and her death, you don’t have to destroy yourself. Destroying yourself with alcohol isn’t the greatest way to handle hard times. Well, maybe your fate is to become bigger than your addictions. Let’s just start with one tiny baby step. Start to develop an awareness of what you’re doing. No judgment. No false commitments. Just start letting what you’re doing enter into your consciousness. Billy

Later that morning, I called Tex. Billy came to me in the middle of the night and brought your brother Pat with him. And Billy gave me a letter for you. It’s from Billy and Pat and your grandfather, Patty Malone. 

• Cosmic sound

I use my Billy voice for your benefit, Princess. We don’t use words where I am. Joseph and I use telepathy to hear each other’s thoughts. There is no pretense or falseness here. There is no competitiveness or resentment. Here, our telepathic communications fill each other with beauty. There are cosmic sounds everywhere. Certain music written by the composer Sibelius gives you an idea of what the cosmic sound is like. Sibelius was definitely tuned to a higher dimension. Notice how his swan music swells of sound and breaks into melodies. 

• Tex 

Tex will be going to rehab in a few days. It’s no accident that Tex is a witness to the creation of this book and that many of the proofs involve her directly. I wanted her trust. You see, Tex began talking to me right after you first told her about my visits. Tex is really great at saving others but not so good at saving herself. I think it’s time to give Tex the coin I promised her, don’t you? That would be the AA coin from White Deer Run that arrived in the Billy Box. 

• The Grace Coin

The words written on the coin were not what I had remembered. Lo and behold, what is actually written on the coin? Simply, “But for the grace of God.” That’s it, the whole thing. Leaving out three little words (there go I) gives a completely different meaning. But for the Grace of God . . . what would I have, or feel, or do, or be? But for the grace of God . . . how much could befall us each and every moment of our lives? But for the grace of God . . . I would never be talking to you right now, Annie. I never would be able to say thanks—thanks for loving me so much. You can never measure someone else’s state of grace. Never assume that anyone is fortunate or unfortunate because of the way things appear to be. Many spiritual paths promote the concept of gratitude. It helps you notice the grace in your life. I always found the act of saying “thank you” more useful than trying to be grateful. It’s a lot easier to say a couple of words than to try and force yourself to feel something you may not be feeling. “Thank you” is a high message, possibly the most healing message of all. “Thank you” aligns you with the grace that comes from the Universe of soul. 

• Stream of Life

On the one-year anniversary of Billy’s death, I was surprised how sad I felt. Billy, however, was having a party. 

I was sitting cross-legged next to a magical stream. This stream is so long it seems to go on forever. This stream is made of rippling waves of brilliant lights: violet, red, yellow, orange, green, and blue. The thing about this stream is, it moves with a flow of enchanted sound. I’d say it sounds like electric chimes mixed with the fading ring of a low-pitched gong. This description, however, leaves out the most critical part, the most important feature of this stream: its mystical effect. If you could hear the stream, my darling sister, even just for a second, you would probably never feel afraid or angry, or ever be upset again. I had to close my eyes. It drew me in deeper until nothing existed except that sound. As the sound of the stream intensified, I became more and more intoxicated. The Stream of Life was upping my natural ecstasy factor. Soon, my me-ness started dissolving. Like the stream, I myself became ripples of chiming rainbow colors flowing into eternity. Then, completely unexpectedly, the experience became sensuous. I felt physical in a way I hadn’t felt since my earth life. I again enjoyed that special kind of pleasure, the intimacy, the warmth of having a body, the body that was mine when I lived on earth. But if I took the absolute best feeling of being alive and multiplied it by infinity, as I sat by the Stream of Life I felt even better. Like the Stream of Life increased my intoxication, pleasure can increase your joy. To cultivate joy, pay attention to what you like.

• Sacred Scripture I

I am now receiving the greatest gift of my journey so far. I am receiving my Sacred Scripture. This scripture has nothing to do with the kinds of lessons people on earth think they’re learning. No matter how it seems on the surface, every single life is valuable in ways you cannot imagine or figure out while you’re alive. Every single life is a gift. The Sacred Scripture of one’s life is a symphonic streaming from the unseen light of the paradisiacal Source, if you get my drift [laughs]. Each person is an instrument of the Divine, composing cosmic symphonies while on earth. Some of the music is melodic, some discordant, some bright and upbeat, some slow and melancholy. No matter. Each piece will be part of your own serenade in the afterlife. As the lights touch me, they transform to melodies. These melodies are evocative; they bring something out from deep inside me. They bring out memories. Not earth-type memories. The music awakens a new kind of memory. The noise and static of the world are gone, and I remember only the soul of what took place while I was alive. I live inside the innocence and awe at the heart of life itself. These memories carry the fleeting glory, the sweet nectar that is now the Divine’s gift to my soul. They explode in me with the purposeless purpose of creation. Inside this music I become the essence at the heart of bliss. 

After more than a year, the insurance company of the driver who hit Billy sent me ten thousand dollars for the accident that ended my brother’s life. Billy whispered, Go to Jamaica. 

• The Funeral

You’re determined to put my ashes into those waters. I want you to know that when you put my remains into the waterfall, I will feel it, Annie. I will feel the love behind the gesture. 

In Dunn’s River Falls, Jamaica I drew on all my love for Billy, and waded into the pool. I pulled the ashes from my backpack and scattered them into the water my brother loved so much. I’d finally given Billy the funeral he wanted. I held my guide Willie’s hand and told him my story about Billy and how he’d been talking to me since he’d died. Willie’s brother had died at about the same time as Billy. 

Part Three: From Soul to Spirit

• The Death of Memories

The events at Dunn’s River changed my desire to keep the Billy experience quiet. 

I’m still here, still talking to you from an unknowable, unutterable distance. I’m still here even though right after my funeral in Jamaica, I had another funeral of sorts. I went through the death of my memories. Where I am there’s no desire to hold on to anything, to cling to the past. It’s delightfully liberating. My ties to that particular life, have now been untied. How did my memories die? I was floating around in the stardust waiting for my Sacred Scripture to take me into my next memory when pure white light came down from above me. As the white light touched me, it became a very specific memory: the memory of thousands of tiny white lights moving in and out of my worn out sixty-two-year-old body, loosening my soul from my physical self. In the heart of my death memory, I saw myself running with my arms stretched upwards, my eyes looking towards the night sky, saying a prayer as I ran toward the speeding car. As the car hit, I felt an enormous release as I went through another kind of death. My Sacred Scripture had played itself out and all my memories exploded like a supernova. The explosion of my memories rocketed me through space. Leaving behind my memories is a far distance to travel. You’re more than ready for it when it comes. Whatever memories I had, even the best, can’t compare with getting closer to the Source. The Divine Presence seems to have gathered itself up into a concentrated pure white light. As I move towards this light, it calls me—not the me I was on earth. It calls me by my soul name, the soul I was before I left the Higher Worlds to go to earth. 

• Shvara Lohana 

For the first time since I died, I’m standing on solid ground, but the ground here is like nothing I’ve ever seen. It’s luminous and kind of rough, like uncut diamonds. Where I am, the landscape is also bare and rocky, with craters and hills, but instead of dusty, it’s glistening and translucent. Everything in this jeweled world looks like it’s made of crystallized light, even the pink sky. Suddenly, I’m in front of the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Beautiful is so inadequate. As I stand before my Goddess, my appearance is changing. I call her my Goddess because somehow she is mine. She sings me her name: Shvara. It fills me like a mysterious perfume I have been forever seeking. 

• Parade of Souls

Shvara Lohana turns and a building surrounded by haze appears where she is looking. I can see that the building is pearly white and has huge columns in the style of Greek or Roman architecture. It’s so enormous it seems to have no beginning or end, and it isn’t solid. It ripples. I’m completely and utterly in love. Shvara looks back at me, smiling. I’m so glad to be here, to rest from the work done on earth, and follow my Goddess towards the White Building. As we get closer, I see there are an endless number of bridges that lead up to it. And for the first time since I’ve been on this side of things, I see people, like me. Each soul resembles its floating Tribe Leader. The Tribe Leaders are Beings that don’t exist on earth, and each one of them is extraordinary. They all have the same golden light around their heads. Shvara Lohana has been humming softly as we ascend my bridge. I am in love with her like I’ve never been in love. I wish you could hear my Goddess singing. How noble is the journey of each human being, from Divine to dust and back again. How brave to enter a body and dance the dance of existence only to lose everything imagined to be true in the moment of death. 

• Golden Lotus Cave

I was standing in a field of red and purple roses. But Annie, you’ve never seen roses like these. The neon-bright flower blooms are ten times bigger than the ones you have on earth, and they’re so alive you can actually see them growing. There’s some kind of dew falling on the flowers and also on me. We’re being bathed in the mystical perfume of my Goddess. Up ahead, I notice a golden dome of light. As I get closer, I see that it’s a cave. I can see my Goddess waiting for me inside. Shvara is floating above a circle of golden lotus buds that sit on a quiet pond. Up close I can see that instead of water the lotus pond is filled with milky nectar. Shvara Lohana’s eyes spring wide open and she begins a sacred dance. As my Goddess dances, there is no pleasure in the Universe that remains unknown to me, or unfulfilled. Shvara swoops down and chants something over each lotus bud. Eight golden flowers open one by one. At the heart of each blossom is a flame of some shade of purple or red. These are the flames of my past lives. A solitary bud, bigger than the others, rises from down inside the pond. I’m surprised. The petals of all the lotuses start moving like speeded-up hummingbird wings. They swirl and collide and become pure flashes of energy as the golden flowers of my lives blow apart. I am witnessing the ceremony that will end the cycle of my being born. Shvara offers me a cup filled with the milky nectar of the pond. You could never drink this elixir if you weren’t ready. I am barely ready, but I drink. Life is a Divine mysterious impulse to be tasted and then released. I took on form to enter time. I entered time to partake in creation. Since my destination is no longer the earthly realms, I will now enter the great Void and travel beyond time. Shvara takes my hand and we ascend through profound darkness. As my Goddess lets go, I’m propelled into the Void. I am the Allness in the Nothing, the Nothing in the Allness. That’s what the Divine is—everything and nothing.

• White Light Brothers

A single eddy of light, whiter than any white imaginable, broke into the Void to pull me back into existence. Like an embryo in a womb, I again became the soul that lived all my lives. In the distance I see figures although I don’t think I’ve seen them before. These snowy shadows are Supreme High Spirits, who I will call the White Light Brothers. Most of the White Light Brothers never go to earth, but their absolute light intermingles with and protects your world. The Brothers aren’t souls. They are pure Spirit. And in this blazing whiteness, the whiteness of the Absolute, in this heaven of all heavens, I am about to shed my soul. It isn’t scary in any way. I have cast off my earthly disguise, my life, my drama, my music; everything is being left behind, even my soul.